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Talk:A Boxed Game/@comment-24082398-20150527180243
Oh my lord. What was good? Literally nothing. I read this version and the original version you uploaded, and each version had nothing good to its name. Now, onto the bad. Oh, man. The bad. This will be a bit lengthy, so grab some popcorn and a soda. Okay, first off, the game choice. How on Earth could you believe that Saints Row could ever be scary? The franchise is the exact opposite. There's literally nothing to exploit that would make Saints Row scary, unlike other games like Pokémon or The Legend of Zelda. The key is that the previous games have a cryptic feel to the more abnormal parts, but Saints Row sees the abnormal areas in the game, scoffs, and gives you an anal probe instead. The game choice was what peeved me first. Second, the buildup. There was little to no buildup. Seriously. It goes like this: No sound on menu, boobs, no sound, no people, scary person, I am kill. There is no buildup at all. No whispers or dead bodies. I'm sure that while the pervious two are clichés, if handled correctly they could work fantastically. However, failure to incorporate anything even a little scary make this laughably bad and the exact opposite. And, yes, I know you were going for a more atmospheric tale after the first edition (God, that was worse) but there is nothing atmospheric about this story at all. Whatsoever. And I'm being generous here. Third, the scary thing. It's just The Ring, basically. Ju-On or something. There's no explanation except for that sorry excuse of an epilogue (I'm gonna get to it) that even details what the thing is. I know that suspense and intrigue are key elements to any good story, but the suspense here is nonexistent and the intrigue is way too high. You don't just get math homework without learning what you're going to do in it first, right? No, you don't. This story basically does just that. It hands you the hardest trig homework ever without even explaining what it is or how to do it. Oh, oh, and also not to mention that the 'monster' is an overplayed cliché in and of itself. Way to be original. Fourth, the aftermath. No, not the epilogue, the immediate aftermath after the 'scary' game finishes. First, screaming for ten minutes? Are you being for real? That's not even scary, that's tedious. If it were me, I would find it annoying more than scary after the first few seconds. It would've worked better if it were a ten second scream than a ten minute scream. Also, the dialogue. "Whoever the flip"--Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. Who still says flip? Someone who's eight?--"gave this crap to me." The whole thing sounds corny and unfinished, and more laughable than scary. If I were in a genuine shock, I wouldn't write that. I would let loose with everything that I had in my vocabulary. And you just nonchalantly go back to playing SoulCalibur? Nothing happens, you just get back to playing a game after being scarred? Fifth, the epilogue. Ohh, yess, the epilogue. Okay, so, firstly we have the plot holes. How did they revert to cannibalism? Did they get trapped in their office somehow? Did someone make them? Because them just turning crazy from some stupid Ju-On thing doesn't sound likely. I don't even understand that whole cannibalism part and I think it was thrown in haphazardly to pile on to the shock factor. Maybe you did want the gore factor back from the first revision, so you put in that cannibalism bit. Second, how did the narrator even get in touch with 'Cyber?' You can't just find the dev's e-mail online. And I don't think a thread on Reddit or 4Chan is going to provoke a dev response, and if it is a 'dev,' it's probably a troll. So there's another big plot hole. Also, why was Cyber so open with telling what happened? I would be traumatized and wouldn't ever want to relive that part of my past if I had to cannibalize my friends. Third, who sends the e-mails? This falls under the same problem as the explanation of the monster. Too much intrigue but no explanation. This doesn't work at all, and if you need to know why, look back to the part where I explained the monster's problem. Oh, and also, the first revision? I'm glad you got rid of it. The gore and vomit didn't make sense at all. Overall, I give this -34005839058689486255860374/10. Eugh...